The Walking Alive
by lindir's gaze
Summary: The Walking Dead but no one dies. Rick has to find a way to deal with this problem once things become a bit overcrowded. And why is he the only one who can hear the zombies talk? (Crackfic, OOC, general insanity)


**Chapter 1**

"My name's Rick. I was just a normal guy, eating burgers and faking Southern accents, until I got shot in a shoot-out. I woke up from a coma and the whole world had been filled with walkers. Also, I'm pretty sure my best friend is fucking my wife."

Rick stopped talking to the camera as a little zombie girl came up and tried to chew his leg off. "AH!" He shot it in the head.

-The Hospital, The Previous Day-

"AH!" Rick woke up from his coma. His face was miraculously clean-shaven. He walked out of his hospital room and saw a half-eaten woman. "AH!"

The zombie lifted its head and looked at Rick. "Hey."

"AAHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Dude, calm the fuck down," the zombie said. "I'm just dead. Now get over here so I can eat you."

Rick ran out of the hospital, making noises that I'm sure I don't need to spell out for you again. Outside, there were a bunch of dead bodies under a sheet as well as abandoned military vehicles. Rick looked at the armored tank, the helicopter, and several cars before hopping on a rusted bicycle on the side of the road.

He biked all the way to his house like a good liberal. Once inside, he started calling out for his wife and son.

"Coral! Lori!"

But no one answered.

Rick went outside and cried.

"God, what are you doing with your life, man?" A legless zombie said from the street. "Everyone cried weeks ago, when the apocalypse actually started."

"Believe me, this is nothing compared to the comics," Rick said, then continued to cry.

Just then, a little kid with a shovel walked around the house and saw Rick. "WALKER!"

Rick saw the ten year old running at him with a shovel and, like a good cop, screamed and ran. After a few blocks the kid changed tactics and threw the shovel. It nailed Rick in the head and he was out like a light.

-Later-

Rick woke up and realized he was tied to a bed. He looked over and saw the shovel kid and an older man. The man looked at his bandage, which was exposed by his open hospital shirt.

"What's the bandage for?" the guy asked.

"A bullet wound," Rick answered.

"You didn't get bit? Or scratched?"

"Uh...no…" He started to sweat. It was the start of many, many gallons of Rick Sweat.

The guy took out a knife and held it in front of Rick's face. "Take a moment. Look how sharp it is."

Rick laughed nervously. "Should we, uh, maybe come up with a safe word?"

The guy rolled his eyes and cut the cords tying Rick to the bed. "Come out when you're able." He walked out, with shovel kid following him.

After a while, Rick walked out into the living room and saw that the windows had been covered up with cloth. He went over and tried to peek behind it.

"Don't touch that," the guy (fuck it, I'm calling him Morgan from now on) said. "The walkers might see the light."

"What are walkers? Why are the windows covered? Where am I? WHAT'S GOING ON?" Rick asked, finally snapping. Shovel kid smothered his laughter as Rick's voice cracked like a thirteen-year-old going through puberty.

"You better sit down for this." Morgan waited until Rick was seated and gave him some beans. "Looks like you're still in the tutorial phase."

Rick's eye twitched. "Tutorial?"

"The walkers are attracted to noise and light. If they bite you, the fever from the infection will kill you, and then you'll come back as one of them. Also, press A to jump and B to fire your gun."

Suddenly, a car alarm went off across the street. Rick ran over to the boarded-up door and looked through the peep hole.

"Dammit. One of the walkers must have pushed against the car," Morgan said.

Another one of the walkers ambled up to the door and started jiggling the handle. "Psst. Dude. Let me in so I can eat your guts."

Rick jumped back from the door, not screaming for once. "Jesus, they can talk?" He looked at the moving doorknob. "And why do they still have fine motor skills?"

"They don't talk," Morgan said. "And the writers stopped having the walkers grab stuff after season one."

Rick looked back through the door. The walker was trying to figure out how to load a gun. "I'm just gonna...sleep now…" He laid down and dreamed that Shane was having sex with his wife. "That was weirdly hot," Rick said when he woke up. Shovel kid gave him a strange look.

They went to the police station to get guns and hot showers. After that, they loaded up separate cars.

"Well, I guess this is goodbye," Rick said. He was now wearing a police uniform.

"Don't worry," Morgan said. "I'll see you again in season three."

"Season what?" But Morgan had already drove away.

Rick shrugged and got into his cop car. While he was driving he saw a bald, muscular man wearing armbands, a baseball cap, and no shirt. A moment later, he disappeared. Rick shook his head. "At this point, I don't think anything could faze me."

-Later-

"HORSIE!" Rick shouted, running over to where a horse was standing in its paddock. He quickly looked around to make sure no one had heard his outburst, then jumped the fence and started petting the horse. "Good girl!" He looked down. "Nope, boy, definitely boy."

He looked back at his car, which had run out of gas, then back at the horse. "I have an idea." The horse shook his head.

Moments ladder, Rick had saddled up the horse anyway. He hoisted up his giant bag of guns and mounted the horse. "You're gonna go slow-ish, right boy? I'm not a very good ri—AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Needless to say, the horse did not go slow-ish.

After hours of making Rick hang on for dear life, the horse got tired and began to slow down. They were on the highway entering Atlanta.

The city looked abandoned, with newspapers, army vehicles, and empty cars littering the streets. After a few blocks, Rick noticed a few walkers wandering the sidewalks.

"Don't worry horsie, nothing we can't handle." They turned the corner and found literally hundreds of walkers crowding the street. "Fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffuck." He turned the horse around and galloped it in the opposite direction.

At this point the horse realized that it would be able to run a lot faster without its super heavy passenger, and skidded to a halt. Rick was thrown forward and became very aware of the fact that he was riding Western style. He fell to the ground in unbelievable pain and the horse booked it.

Once Rick regained use of his legs, he started crawling away from the zombies that had now surrounded him. He pushed himself underneath a tank and climbed into it.

"Holy crap. My life sucks," he panted, leaning against the wall of the tank.

"Speak for yourself," said the dead zombie soldier that was also in the tank. "At least you're still alive."

"AAHHH!" He shot the zombie in the head, which wasn't super smart since the tank was a very small space, which made the gunshot REALLY FREAKIN LOUD.

Rick fell to the ground for the second time in five minutes, his eyes pointing in different directions. "Whwwhy is evrythinggg ding dong?"

Eventually he regained use of his hearing and the first thing he heard was the radio crackle.

"Hey dumbass," came a voice from the radio. "Yeah, you in the tank. I personally would have hid under a dumpster, but to each their own."

Rick grabbed the walkie-talkie part of the radio. "Hello? Over."

Just then Space Junk by Wang Chung started playing from seemingly nowhere.

"What the hell is that? Over."

"Don't worry," the voice said. "They usually play a song at the end of the episode. Just be quiet and let the credits roll."

"Okay…" Rick had a feeling that it was going to be a long day.

 **Welcome to my TWD parody!** **The summary says it all, but basically this is just a crackfic and since I wasn't sure how to make it not-so-dark I decided not to kill anyone (yet...) If you liked this and want to check out some of my other parodies, I've written one for The Hobbit and BBC Sherlock. Thanks for reading, and please leave a comment letting me know what you thought! It helps me out a lot.**


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